My Dirty Little Secret

I'm not being a parent tonight.

Oh, ok.  Who am I kidding?  Of COURSE I'll be a parent tonight, but I'm gonna really phone it in.  Like, bare minimum, because I'm tired and crabby. *pout*

I've been kind of in a shitty mood, but it's expected around this time, if you catch my meaning.  I feel bad for the kids because they got a LOT of chocolate yesterday and I'm TOTES going to raid their bags when they go to sleep.. See?  I'm being a shitty parent tonight, I told you.

If I had three wishes, I wish I would like vegetables, I liked to clean and I could drink alone.  I know that drinking alone seems weird, but it's something I can't do.  It seems.... sad.  Now, if someone ELSE said they had a glass of wine or a beer alone, I wouldn't think twice about it.  Kind of how I feel about like... kissing another chick.  I don't mind if YOU do it, I just don't feel comfortable with doing it myself, you know? 

Instead of drinking, I sit in my room, alone and in the dark.  I don't do it often, but the kids know if I go right to my room, and leave the light off, I need some me time and they're pretty cool about it.  I have pretty amazing kids who are pretty self-sufficient.  I'm pretty old school.  I'm not your cruise director, your activities organizer or your entertainment.  I fully expect my kids to FIND SOMETHING TO DO.  I think more parents should do this.

Now if the head phones come out, they definitely know I need to be alone.  But, I haven't had a yearning for headphones in... whoa probably six weeks.  I'm kind of proud of msyelf for that.  The headphones are for when I need to drown out EVERYTHING my own thoughts especially.

So, despite my shitty mood right now, which is really only shitty because of biology,  life has been over all pretty decent.   The dude fast?  Best decision... EVER!!  Seriously.  I can't even begin to express how liberating it is to choose not to talk to people.

 Here's the thing, there is a guy who I usually pine away for. I have since the beginning of my seperation.  We had two dates since I've moved back. (One was a date the other.. well.... ahem)  All my friends are like "Seriously, he's a douche leave him alone" and I would defend him and say "Oh, but we're just FRIENDS and I enjoy his FRIENDSHIP and I don't have any illusions about us being a couple."  But, I TOTALLY had illusions of us being a couple.  I'm talking, I had full blown fantasies that felt so real they made my heart ache, illusions about us being a couple.  Then I watched that movie Bridesmaids and the beginning scene where she tells that guy who she is sleeping with that she isn't looking for a relationship either and that she wants what he wants, and he doesn't want her, but he says just enough to keep her hooked?  Yeah, that was me and this guy.

WE had an amazing connection.  We DID, I will never deny that.  The first kiss we shared was probably the best kiss of my life.  Seriously.  The second was just as mind blowing, months later.  The sex?  UH-MAZE-ING.  I really felt this guy was my soul mate.  I still kind of do. (Shut it, Teri!!)  But, just because someone feels like your soul mate, that doesn't mean he's good for you.  Maybe, my soul is in a shitty place, and it's attracted to this kind of shitty guy.  I read about pain bodies, and now I truly believe our connection was our pain bodies, crashing into each other and hanging on.  We were both sad and miserable and it felt GOOD to both of us to know someone out there cared.

I know if he texted me right now, my heart would leap into my throat and I'd want to respond as if I wasn't on the dude fast.  I'd want him to tell me all the funny, sweet things I know he'd tell me, and I know we'd eventually start sexting (really his whole purpose in texting me usually) and I'd feel like shit tomorrow because I fell for it again.  I'd wait by my phone with baited breath tomorrow in hopes he'd throw me some little bone so I wouldn't feel so shitty.  And he probably wouldn't. 

If he were to text me right now, I'd explain to him about my decision to be on this fast of sorts.  He'd be alll "whatever" about it and I'd go on. Because I CAN'T FEEL LIKE THAT ANYMORE.  Especially over a guy who has made it crystal clear that he's just not that into me.

What's amazing to me is that I think I am having a harder time getting over this guy I never had anything with than I did with my ex.  My friends seem to think I use this guy as some kind of crutch, a surrogate "love" because it's easy and convenient and I never have to deal with an actual relationship since there isn't one.  That I feel the need to love, therefore I choose him knowing I can't have them.  I think maybe they're right.

I think that maybe, I can see that now and I'm not doing it anymore.