Monday, November 14, 2011

Blue Christmas

I've been really down.  I don't know if it's because of life in general or because of the Mirena I had put in, but there's been a noticeable change.  I'm having a hard time finding the positive in much of anything anymore.  The things that brought me comfort in the past are no longer doing it for me. I'm still functioning. I still get up and go to work and clean up and cook food and stuff like that, but I spend an insane amount of time wishing I could be back in bed and when I do have time off it's spent usually in bed.  Not like, holed up in bed neglecting all other things. Just, in my room watching TV.  Then again, what else is there to do when you really think about it?  I'm a single mom with two kids. Partying isn't high on my to do list.  I've always been anti-social in general, add my life situation right now, am I really that surprised?  Before, I would have been playing video games for hours on end.  Is watching TV in my room that much different?

When I moved here, I started off so optimistic and I want to be that optimistic again.  With the pressures of my divorce (WTF do they need ALL THIS PAPERWORK FOR?!?) and the holidays and trying to figure out how I'm going to get the kids gifts this year, I really just feel like hibernating the winter away.  I miss being home with my kids.  Previous Christmases I would have my nice little Christmas fund money and I'd spend hours online shopping for the best deals and making all their little dreams come true.  Like I was telling a friend the other day, my savings plan?  It's a coffee can in my kitchen full of change.  You can't imagine how much this bothers a complete control freak like me.

Before this divorce, our lives together was starting to get on track.  We were both kind of lost in the sea of adulthood for many years, with one financial mess after another.  We both contributed to it, but we made it through.  Once I became a stay at home mom, my focus was to get our act together and I did.  I made sure our bills were always paid and that we never had to scramble.  We were able to buy a house and be normal adults.  That lasted a year before everything went to hell and I'm a little bitter about it. Now, I'm back to square one after all my fucking hard work.  Do you know how hard it is to monitor a grown man's spending?  People used to give me shit about how on point I was about our account.  How Tony could never surprise me with gifts because I would know. People don't realize I HAD TO DO THIS because if I didn't, we were in trouble.  It was my job and I did it well.

So, feeling like I have no control now drives me up a freaking wall and I'm not handling it very well.

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