Sunday, August 28, 2011

"I Want to Learn How to Blow Shit Up With My Mind."

Well, hello there little online journal. This is ummm... kind of awkward. But, um yeah, I've been having a bit of a fling. He means nothing to me. Seriously, my sweet little online journal. He was just so old skool. (You know he's legit, I mean I used a "K" in school er I mean, skool) Yes, I've been writing my thoughts down on... PAPER. I know! But, I miss you! I miss the clickety clack of the keys, the way I can actually read my thoughts after I've written them.

I was weak. I was seduced by the smell of ink, the scratchings of a pen, the way I could furiously scribble out my inner most thoughts in my horribly unintelligible handwriting that only a crazy person or a doctor of medicine could possess. Please take me back. I love you.

Honestly, there are many reasons I didn't feel like writing. I didn't want to turn this thing into a "Today I had waffles for breakfast..." kind of a journal. Also, a few weeks back I was doing a lot of article writing which kind of ruined the whole "writing my thoughts out for shits and giggles" aspect because it took something I loved and made it a fucking chore, and you know how much I fucking hate chores. Yet, I would do the article writing again in a heartbeat because shits and giggles don't pay the bills people. Trust me, I tried.

The biggest factor to not writing is that I no longer have 24 hour access to my laptop anymore. I had to have a laptopectomy once I started the new job. Before, if ever I had a mad ranting pop into my head, I could sit down and pound it out (heh I said "pound it out") in two minutes and be done. Now, I get a thought, I have to like remember to write it down on some random scrap of paper and hope I remember what "punching people in the face" meant later on and if I did remember, I hoped I had enough energy to put it together. That's where pen and paper came in. Usually, I'd write at work when it was slow and I was just thoroughly annoyed with my co-worker. It was a good way to look busy so he'd leave me the hell alone and stop telling me the things God wanted me to know about my life. My good intentions of then transferring it all into type always remained just that.. good intentions.

Honestly though, I haven't had that much going on in my life. I've been busy, keeping my nose clean and to the grind and there isn't anything fun about that. I'm happy. I've had to make some tough decisions in the last few months and those are all behind me now. I am amazingly content with my life right now. I've gone out and done a lot of fun and new things in the last few weeks thanks to new people that have come into my life. I've also let go of some people who weren't adding anything positive to my life. It's funny when I let those kind of people go, life has a way of bringing people in who are better for my psyche. I guess that's how it works.

Sure, there are some moment when I have to repeat my mantra "Everything in this moment is as it should be" over and over until I can breathe again, but that's just my natural leanings toward anxiety kicking in. That will never go away and I know that. I can't change that about myself. I've been this way since I was a child and as an adult I'm finally finding ways to get over that panicky feeling.

Divorce update for those wondering.. papers filed, just waiting to be served. Yes. Still. I had to check "married" on some paperwork the other day and I cringed. But, I guess having a line for "seperated almost 2 years because of some fucked up Virginia law that made us wait a year, and then we had to move, that set us back another six months and the papers are in the courts, just waiting to be served but I FEEL divorced" would take up too much room.

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