Tuesday, August 30, 2011


In the overall scheme of things, I do not regret moving back here, mainly because my family is here, my friends are here, I'm FROM here. I get to gorge of T. ravs and have "china man" again. I can say the word hoosier and have people get what I'm saying. When I was away I missed it, but in a very "One time at band camp" kind of way. When I would visit Mel, being a native St. Louisan herself, we would wax poetic about all the shit we missed but we both agreed we'd never move back.

I had made it pretty well known to my family and friends that moving back was not an option. We'll come see you at Christmas, and if there was money, during the summer to go floating, that was it. Friends and family had come to terms with it and were ok with it. I had removed the city from my heart and was ok in doing so. I had pretty much removed the nasally accent from my mouth and had looked forward to bigger and better things.

Then the shit hit the fan, and I came back with my tail between my legs and an Old Vienna chip on my shoulder. All that trash talking I did about never moving back here weighed heavily on me, and I felt like a failure. Basically, I came running home to my mama when the world kicked my ass and I couldn't handle it, and I kind of hated that about myself. That I couldn't hack it in the end.

Over the last 8 months, I've come to terms with being back in the Lou, but I still don't feel like "me" here and I kind of miss that old me. She was kind of a happenin' chick. I made a promise to myself that I would not allow being here to affect how I felt about me. That I would remain me no matter where I rested my head at night. I'm getting there. I realize I'm holding an unjust grudge against this drinking town with the baseball problem. I'm punishing the city for sins it did not commit.

I'll get over it eventually, because the other option, moving, is not one. Now that I am here, I am here for good. I don't think I could so easily give up my family and friends a 3rd time. No matter what I feel about being here, they all make it worth it. Even when that nasally accent creeps into my voice and I die a little on the inside.

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