I made the decision to go to bed about an hour ago, and in true "me" fashion, have yet to make it there. There is always stuff to do that keeps you from sleep. Last minute Facebook checks, Yahoo conversations started while doing last minute Facebook checks, Words with Friends games to be played and then replayed, and then replayed again.
After ending my Yahoo chat with Teri, I got up to turn off lights and all the other before bed minutiae that you have to do, because if you don't all the kittens in the world will die. As I was walking out of the room, I saw an odd piece of paper on the floor. It was a page from my wedding guest registry book. I seriously haven't seen that book in years. I don't even know where it was stored or where it was or that it had even made it to Virginia the second time around much less here to St. Louis. It kind of freaked me the fuck out. Why? Because today would have be my 14th wedding anniversary. As we're still legally married, I guess it would still be my anniversary.
Now, I had a shitty day today, but none of that had anything to do with it being my anniversary. My shitty day mainly was caused by my eldest child and the fact that I know deep down she is still PISSED about something that happened at her birth. I'm not sure what, but she has maintained this level of pissiness since that day, so I can only assume I did something to upset her. Some weird "Oh God there is a 9 lb thing coming out of my hoohoo" faux pas that I am unaware of. She does, but she has yet to share what it was I did, so I remain clueless. Maybe it's the fact that I use the word "hoo hoo" who knows?
The point I'm trying to make, other than my daughter terrorizes me on a daily basis, is that I noted what day it was, sure. But, I didn't really have much emotion about it. Maybe a twinge of sadness, but not really. No moping, no deep introspective contemplations, no crying, no weeping, no getting choked up when love songs would play on the radio. Maybe it's because I had daughter shit on the brain all day, but probably it's because it just doesn't mean anything to me anymore and probably never will. Now, it's the day I didn't listen to my instinct when it told me to run. ( Just FYI to anyone out there.. if you think "What the fuck am I doing?" right before walking down the aisle, the chances of that feeling reconciling itself in later years are slim.)
What DOES interest me about this little piece of paper is that 14 years ago, some people I loved, but mainly people I don't even see anymore, touched this paper. They came to Spanish Lake to see the beautiful beginning of a new family come to life. As they wrote their names on this sheet of paper they felt happiness for the new couple, they were there because we will always believe in love and hope and unicorns and cotton candy clouds and free food and booze.
So, what is the Universe trying to tell me today with this sheet of paper? Well, what I'm going to take from it is that people come and go from your life as is indicated by this piece of paper The marriage connection is obvious. Was married, now not, here's some proof that I was, life moves on, turn the page blah blah blah. But, if you look at the paper, you will see names that I don't recognize AT ALL, yet they were somehow connected to me enough to take time out of their busy lives to celebrate with us. Yet, I couldn't tell you who these people are. There are also names on there who are very near and dear to me. I giggled when I saw Christy Owens. I have plans to see her after many years this very Saturday. There is the Loftus family, and I just went to Karrie's wedding reception in July and I think I signed a similiar book there. (Or I saw it and forgot to do it, that's sounds like something I'd do) There are friends of my mom who we don't speak to anymore, friends of my sister's who she may only speak to through Facebook if at all. There are my friend's parents who I adore to this day.
Whatever. Or maybe it's just a fucking old book and my kids found it and had no idea what it was and used it to draw pictures in and there is no big "lesson" to be learned. I could be making mountains ouf of mole hills for my own entertainment purposes and to have something to write about. I wouldn't put it past me, I mean I did wear WHITE on my wedding day. It's obvious I can't be trusted.
But, you have to admit.. it was pretty fucking weird.