Today at work the assistant branch manager at the fancy pants branch, (The one I work two days a week while my home branch is closed) asked everyone for inspirational quotes for the break room. I was all "LAME" because inspiritional quotes are great, but a lot of the time, they go in one ear and out the other, or in the case of them being pasted all over our break room, in one eye and out the other. Sure, some of them make me go "Hmmm yeah, ok I get it." but then I go back to my Words with Friends games and my pathetic QT lunch that consists of a jalapeno cheddar bite with mustard, a bag of Cheetos and a 32 oz unsweetened ice tea with crushed ice and one packet of Splenda. None of which I will finish before my hour is up, except for the list of WwF games. (Yeah I've had major loss of appetite lately but hey I'm skinnier!)
As a joke, I proposed the "Life's a garden. Dig it" quote and well, it's stuck and will now proudly go up on the wall at work as an inspirational quote. When you think about it though, it's a great sentiment. It's easy to remember, and really life IS a garden and you SHOULD dig it. Every garden is hard work, you have to cultivate it, pull weeds, water it, love it, care for it, and the end result is something pretty fantastic. If you neglect it, well you just have a patch of dirt full of weeds that has become the litter box for all the stray cats in the neighborhood, with the occasional Hep C covered needle thrown in for funsies.
I'm trying to dig my garden. I'm getting there. With each passing day, my life gets a little bit less restricted, my breathing a bit easier. The funny part about it is that right now is probably the most stressful time and it's probably going to get nothing but harder in the coming months. I knew this time would come, and I'm semi prepared for it surprisingly enough.
I feel a change in me. I mentioned before by how shocked I was that I still hurt from this whole experience. Acknowledging that has done wonders for me, and I see I wasn't ready to acknowledge it until recently.
Being vulnerable is hard for me right now. I cried on the phone with a very good friend the other day and was truly mortified, even though I know my friend was probably thinking "Christ, it's about fucking time you psycho." Because I can't allow myself to go there. I don't know why. I can't expose my tender underbelly to anyone just yet. Friends and family get glimpses here and there, but I seem to be in full on protection mode. That's ok, but I do miss feeling with abandon.