I'll admit that May was kind of a sucky month and I wasn't in my best spirits. I am going to blame it on coming completely off the meds and a terrible relationship with my ex husband. It was so bad in May. I think we're turning a corner and hopefully we'll be able to talk respectfully to each other, keeping the kids best interest in mind and not our own agendas and hurt feelings.
I realize that my feelings are still hurt over a year later. I wonder how long will my feelings NOT be hurt? Maybe Jerry at work is right, it's going to take me 13 years to get over the situation. Maybe the first year of saying I was fine didn't help either. Maybe the first year was my big fucked up band-aid over a severely broken heart. And maybe, that's ok. Because when your world has been turned upside in that way, I think you get a pass the first year. I remember my friend, Mike and his first year after his wife left him. After the first year, his step dad looked at his finances and was like "Enough. We let you go, but it's been long enough. It's time to buckle down and get over it." (I'm paraphrasing) but I think that's the point I reached. Enough. Enough of all the bullshit. My free pass has expired.
I can't explain it. I am fine. But, my heart is still broken. What will heal it? I don't know. I'm just coming to the realization that it's still broken. When someone says something about a broken heart, I think people assume that mean you want that person back. Oh fuck no. What it means is that you entrusted it to someone who just beat it to hell. When I got back, I kind of freaked out and was like.. "Oh ok... my heart is in a million pieces! But, it's FINE! Here, lets see what I have around here to fix it. Ok.. scotch tape. Ummm oh and this school glue. There! All better see? It's fine! I'm fine!" and then you go on your merry way ignoring its deplorable state and trying to just live life with this piece of shit heart that is barely hanging on. It's like the check engine light in your car. You ignore until your stuck on the side of the highway with your flashers on waiting for AAA.
I wish there was a AAA for broken hearts.