I come here a few times a week to write something, because I feel the need inside of me. Unfortunately, I get here, I hammer out like two sentences that usually begin as this post has, and then my fingers stop. My brain freezes and my need goes unfulfilled. It's a frustrating process and I can't seem to break free of it. I then spend a lot of time thinking "I need to WRITE and get it out." and after a few days with that thought rolling around in my head, I come here again and start the process all over again. I feel kind of like Roland Deschain, Gunslinger from Gilead. Lucky for him though, he was never aware of his cycle of hell. I am. And it pains me.
I guess I could get all philosophical and say this is the perfect metaphor to my life. Rife with starts and stops that basically get me no where and once I learn to accept these starts and stops, maybe life will move forward. But, that's new agey bullshit and I'm not even going to entertain that thought, well not again, after entertaining the thought when I wrote it down that is. Everyone's life is rife with starts and stops. We all swim in circle froms time to time and that's ok. Eventually we adjust our fins and go straight again. If Nemo the crippled fish can do it, so can I.
Maybe, I shouldn't have used the word crippled. I've been reading the Game of Thrones series and they're not very "PC" in those books and I am afraid it has rubbed off on me. If I start calling people "Ser" and "wench" and start saying my age as "five and thirty" then you know I've gone too far to be brought back. Leave me to my flagon of Arbor Gold and light a candle for me in the sept and send a bird out to all the lands saying that I have gone over. Weep not, fair child, as I am my happiest here.
There are many things I want to touch on, just random thoughts I've had and I don't even know where to start. Nothing in particular about my life because life has been, well nothing more than life. I don't have anything new or exciting going on. Actually, my life is probably the antedote for anything exciting. A dose of my life could probably bring down the most coked out party girl in a matter of seconds. She'd be all "Whee! OMG! Life is great!! I'm SO COKED OUT" and then inject my life into her body and she'd be all "Oh hey. 'Sup guys. I'm so NOT coked out right now. Awesome. Have you read the Game of Thrones?" Because that's how I talk and yes I talk about Game of Thrones a lot.
I'm borderline content, though. I say borderline because I'm afraid to say all the way, because I feel I SHOULDN'T be content with how things are. But, I've been trying to "be still" and just enjoy the moments and it's been getting easier. I lost sight of the moments for many months, when the world felt like it was going to fall down on me at any second. But, it didn't and we're still here. I've been finding it easier to let things go and to not worry so much. I've started to go to church and that has helped tremendously.
Talking about church and my faith has been kind of awkward for me. Some have voiced disdain or disbelief that I've started to attend church and assume I'm going to start baptizing people on the streets, while others have been too forward in welcoming me to the flock of "good moral Christians" and then become disappointed when I'm not as "churchy" as they feel I should be. It's hard to explain and it's a hard spot to be in. People assume because I go to church now, I will or should (depending on which of the two above camps I'm talking to) hate gays. I will or should be against abortions, I will or should vote republican, I will or should a million and a half other things. I will say though, the liberal Christians are growing in number and that is exciting to me. It's why I chose to start attending an Episcapol church, as their message is one of acceptance and love of all people and that no matter what, God loves you. I like that. I saw a member at church with a rainbow lanyard for his name tag on Sunday and I felt I was right where I should be.
So, no. I'm not thumping bibles or anything and preaching that all baby killing liberals are going to hell. I'm just trying to find my place in the world, and I can truly say that I feel SO much better since I've started going to church. I question myself a lot, wondering if I'm using this as a band-aid for something deeper inside of me. I honestly can not say. I will say though, that these people have welcomed us with open arms and are truly happy to see us there. If anything, I love the sense of community that I have found. I always said I didn't need a building to worship God. This was my excuse for not going to church. I still believe it's true. I've always felt God best out in world, talking a walk in the park, or hearing a story that brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my lips. I always felt God is everywhere and people should focus more on that than church. Yet, being at the church brings me something more than just God. It brings me community. Church gets me out of the house and put me in a situation that is different from my norm. I have something to do at least one day every week and usually more days than that depending on what activities they have.
It seems I've broken my block. Let's see if I can keep the gates open.