Well, I am sitting in court waiting for my marriage to end. To be officially "unwanted". I know that sounds melodramatic and crap, but it's kind of the truth.
The fact is, I don't like change. Maybe, I've got the touch of the Asperger. Who knows? Anyway. It's not as hard as I thought it would be but it's still no walk in the park either. We're sitting far apart. I like it that way.
I showed up and saw my ex already waiting. Seeing no need to really speak to him, I just continued to head toward the courtroom to see if my lawyer was here yet. My ex called my name and I turned around and said "Yes?". He said our lawyers weren't there yet and I said "mmm okay" and peeped in just in case. I then sat down on the opposite side of the hall. He sighed and pulled out his phone.
What does he expect from me? Greetings? A handshake? Fuck you. Maybe if he showed more of an interest in his children. The other day he called and I racked my brain to figure out why he was calling. I was still at work and couldn't answer. He said he wanted to talk to the kids. I can honestly say that, THAT had never crossed my mind, because the last time he called to speak to them during the week, was easily in September.
My life has moved on, but I'm still angry at this man who lied and cheated. I thought that since he was out of the marriage, he'd show more of an interest in the kids. That he'd feel relieved from the pressure of being with me and he could focus on them more. I thought if any good came from this, it would be that the kids would have their dad's focus. Sure, he takes them on his weekends, but does nothing with them. The kids say he sits around playing video games or locked in the bedroom with his girlfriend or gone while her daughter babysits them.
Today, I have an appointment with the school about Aislinn and getting an IEP in place for her. They diagnosis of Asperger syndrome has come back again. There was some back and forth in Virginia about whether or not she had it, but she does. I told him about this meeting and he never said he'd go or anything. He probably couldn't tell you what classes she has nor has he asked for a report card all year. I'm sure though, to his friends and to his lawyer, I'm just the mean, evil ex
Who doesn't provide that information.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Sunday, March 25, 2012
The Hunger Games
I was just taken out on a date by my friend, Kris. It was a girl date and it was so sweet of her to treat me. I had such a great time! I was expecting to eat something totally giryl like... fruit and cheese, but she was totally down for burgers at Red Robin. Then, we went and watched The Hunger Games.
I have left the theater in tears on more than one occasion when I've watched a movie based on a book I love. The Queen of the Damned and Memoirs of a Geisha, to name two. After Memoirs of a Geisha, I kind of avoided movies made from books I liked. They were always disappointing. Even the Harry Potter movies. Don't get me freaking started on the Percy Jackson movie.
The Hunger Games was pretty good. I didn't leave the movie frustrated or disappointed. There is really only one scene from the book I missed, which was the scene when Katniss is starving and the people of District 11 scrape up money to send her bread. I felt it was important because it was mentioned that was the first time a District sponsored another tribute. Also, I don't think they really stressed that people were STARVING in the districts, the outlying districts especially. Katniss hunted because she had to feed her family and she did it because she almost died from starvation. They show Peeta giving Katniss the burnt bread, but they don't show WHY. From the movie, it seems he gave her the burnt bread because she was sitting in the rain. She was sitting in the rain because she had basically given up and she had fallen on that spot and couldn't get back up, weak with hunger. He burnt the bread on purpose, getting beaten by his mother for doing so, and then gave her that bread. That bread gave her hope and the next day she started to hunt. Rue was from district 11, the farming district, yet she often went to bed hungry.
When I try to explain the book to people "There is this game see? And each district has to give 2 tributes to fight to the death on tv. Oh the tributes are kids." people always give me a weird look. Especially after mentioning that it's a Young Adult book. Seeing the violence on the big screen was pretty disturbing. Even though I knew Cato snaps that kid's neck, seeing it happen made me cringe. I knew there was a bloodbath at the Cornicopia, seeing it made me feel queasy.
There were also elements that they added that I liked. I'm usually a stickler about a movie never straying from the book, but I liked that they added the scenes of the game control room, even though watching them torture kids with a smile on their face was disturbing. I also liked that the dogs were regular dogs, not Capital Mutts, made to look like the dead tributes. That, by fa,r was the most disturbing part of the book to me.
Overall, they did a phenominal job. I realize that there could have been so much more backstory, but it's hard to do. The movie was alreayd 2.5 hours long!!
I have left the theater in tears on more than one occasion when I've watched a movie based on a book I love. The Queen of the Damned and Memoirs of a Geisha, to name two. After Memoirs of a Geisha, I kind of avoided movies made from books I liked. They were always disappointing. Even the Harry Potter movies. Don't get me freaking started on the Percy Jackson movie.
The Hunger Games was pretty good. I didn't leave the movie frustrated or disappointed. There is really only one scene from the book I missed, which was the scene when Katniss is starving and the people of District 11 scrape up money to send her bread. I felt it was important because it was mentioned that was the first time a District sponsored another tribute. Also, I don't think they really stressed that people were STARVING in the districts, the outlying districts especially. Katniss hunted because she had to feed her family and she did it because she almost died from starvation. They show Peeta giving Katniss the burnt bread, but they don't show WHY. From the movie, it seems he gave her the burnt bread because she was sitting in the rain. She was sitting in the rain because she had basically given up and she had fallen on that spot and couldn't get back up, weak with hunger. He burnt the bread on purpose, getting beaten by his mother for doing so, and then gave her that bread. That bread gave her hope and the next day she started to hunt. Rue was from district 11, the farming district, yet she often went to bed hungry.
When I try to explain the book to people "There is this game see? And each district has to give 2 tributes to fight to the death on tv. Oh the tributes are kids." people always give me a weird look. Especially after mentioning that it's a Young Adult book. Seeing the violence on the big screen was pretty disturbing. Even though I knew Cato snaps that kid's neck, seeing it happen made me cringe. I knew there was a bloodbath at the Cornicopia, seeing it made me feel queasy.
There were also elements that they added that I liked. I'm usually a stickler about a movie never straying from the book, but I liked that they added the scenes of the game control room, even though watching them torture kids with a smile on their face was disturbing. I also liked that the dogs were regular dogs, not Capital Mutts, made to look like the dead tributes. That, by fa,r was the most disturbing part of the book to me.
Overall, they did a phenominal job. I realize that there could have been so much more backstory, but it's hard to do. The movie was alreayd 2.5 hours long!!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
If I Said I Want Your Body Now, Would You Hold it Against Me?
Aislinn and I got into a discussion about Britney Spears the other day. Try as I may to truly HATE Britney Spears, darn it to heck, I just can't do it. Her personal life aside, her music is just pure fun and I love every song that comes on the radio by her, old or new. Aislinn prefers "old" Britney. She's not even old enough to remember "Old Britney". It was a cool conversation though.
Anyway, so I've been kind of dabbling over on a few dating sites, but I can't even begin to tell you why. I just feel like I'm going to find a new guy the old fashioned way, face to face. Most men won't make the first moves, and the ones that do are usually assholes. I just don't feel like convincing someone they should like me and that's what I feel like I'm doing on these sites.
I've mentioned this before, but I'm just not impressed. I want someone to impress me. Not, like.. in a financial way, or in an achievements way. I want to be impressed by their personality and their manners. I don't want to be swept off my feet, but I'd like it if a guy liked to be with me because I was fun, not because it's better to be with me than alone.
An old flame contacted me to go out with him this weekend. I said no, mainly because I know he doesn't really like ME. He doesn't like being alone. I haven't spoken to him in about six months, save one email back and forth and he E-MAILED me to ask me out on a date. On a Sunday, when he knows I have kids, to go see a musical performer he is obsessed with. Not out to a dinner to get maybe get to know each other again but to a loud concert where we can't even talk. He didn't even ask how I was doing or anything. It's like he didn't even want to try. He didn't want to make an effort. He just knew I was free and he needed someone to go with him.
No thank you.
What amazes me is that so many of my friends are like "Oh! You should go!" and that pisses me off more. As if some man who treats me as an afterthought is such a great catch. Why? Becasue he is breathing?
I guess I'll know him when I see him and that will be that.
Anyway, so I've been kind of dabbling over on a few dating sites, but I can't even begin to tell you why. I just feel like I'm going to find a new guy the old fashioned way, face to face. Most men won't make the first moves, and the ones that do are usually assholes. I just don't feel like convincing someone they should like me and that's what I feel like I'm doing on these sites.
I've mentioned this before, but I'm just not impressed. I want someone to impress me. Not, like.. in a financial way, or in an achievements way. I want to be impressed by their personality and their manners. I don't want to be swept off my feet, but I'd like it if a guy liked to be with me because I was fun, not because it's better to be with me than alone.
An old flame contacted me to go out with him this weekend. I said no, mainly because I know he doesn't really like ME. He doesn't like being alone. I haven't spoken to him in about six months, save one email back and forth and he E-MAILED me to ask me out on a date. On a Sunday, when he knows I have kids, to go see a musical performer he is obsessed with. Not out to a dinner to get maybe get to know each other again but to a loud concert where we can't even talk. He didn't even ask how I was doing or anything. It's like he didn't even want to try. He didn't want to make an effort. He just knew I was free and he needed someone to go with him.
No thank you.
What amazes me is that so many of my friends are like "Oh! You should go!" and that pisses me off more. As if some man who treats me as an afterthought is such a great catch. Why? Becasue he is breathing?
I guess I'll know him when I see him and that will be that.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
The Big D and I Don't Mean Dallas
I will officially be divorced in like TWO WEEKS!!
Yes, finally! Today we went to court for a settlement hearing and we were able to get all the details smoothed out without a hearing. We started at the courthouse, but decided that it would be better to finish up and sign affidavits at his lawyer's office in the city. We came to a decent settlement and I'm pretty happy. I'm sure he's not, since he has to pay, but I feel nothing but relief because it has been so hard for us for the last nine months.
Those nine months were needed though. I needed them to set my priorities straight. I needed them to see I could make things happen with nothing. The kids needed them to rid them of their sense of entitlement. It took us awhile, but we finally got comfortable being in a "tight spot" and we all handled it well. I'm proud of us. Now, my kids get excited when we eat out for dinner when before they expected it. Now, they're happy when we rent a movie instead of expecting to go to the theater. We simplified and are happier for it.
I just can't even express how happy I am to have this whole thing almost over. I didn't cry once. I got a little teary twice, but not a tear did I drop.
Yes, finally! Today we went to court for a settlement hearing and we were able to get all the details smoothed out without a hearing. We started at the courthouse, but decided that it would be better to finish up and sign affidavits at his lawyer's office in the city. We came to a decent settlement and I'm pretty happy. I'm sure he's not, since he has to pay, but I feel nothing but relief because it has been so hard for us for the last nine months.
Those nine months were needed though. I needed them to set my priorities straight. I needed them to see I could make things happen with nothing. The kids needed them to rid them of their sense of entitlement. It took us awhile, but we finally got comfortable being in a "tight spot" and we all handled it well. I'm proud of us. Now, my kids get excited when we eat out for dinner when before they expected it. Now, they're happy when we rent a movie instead of expecting to go to the theater. We simplified and are happier for it.
I just can't even express how happy I am to have this whole thing almost over. I didn't cry once. I got a little teary twice, but not a tear did I drop.
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Being Still
One day when I was having one of my moments at work, a moment where I feel the whole world is falling down on me, and I just don't know if I can do this shit one more day, my co-worker, who has turned into a really great friend, said something that really stuck with me. She was exasperated at my little freak out moment, and said in her sassy, black girl tone "Dang Sandi. Just... BE STILL! Just be still and let Him do his work."
Be still.
Then Sunday at church, the choir sang a song called "Be Still" and it brought me comfort and drove my friends message home.
Be still.
Be. Still.
Even if you're not overly churchy, it's a good thought. Be still and let nature takes it course, Be still and let Karma do it's thang. Be still and just listen. Be still and wonder at the life you have. Be still and love all those around you. Be still and give thanks for everything and everyone in your life. Be still and let God do what he will.
Be still.
Since then, I've tried to be still. When my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest, and my forehead breaks out in a sweat. When I start to worry about things I have no control over, when I worry about the what ifs, I take a deep breath and I say "Be still. Be still. Just, be still and quiet." and I am awash in calm. I've found myself needing to say it less and less over the weeks. I've stopped waking up in a panic. I'm not lying when I say I would wake up with my heart pounding away in my chest from the stress and anxiety. Before my feet even hit the floor to start my day, my heart rate was through the roof. I seriously was worried I was going to have a heart attack.
Being still is hard, but being still is sometimes the only thing you can do.
Be still.
Then Sunday at church, the choir sang a song called "Be Still" and it brought me comfort and drove my friends message home.
Be still.
Be. Still.
Even if you're not overly churchy, it's a good thought. Be still and let nature takes it course, Be still and let Karma do it's thang. Be still and just listen. Be still and wonder at the life you have. Be still and love all those around you. Be still and give thanks for everything and everyone in your life. Be still and let God do what he will.
Be still.
Since then, I've tried to be still. When my heart feels like it's going to pound out of my chest, and my forehead breaks out in a sweat. When I start to worry about things I have no control over, when I worry about the what ifs, I take a deep breath and I say "Be still. Be still. Just, be still and quiet." and I am awash in calm. I've found myself needing to say it less and less over the weeks. I've stopped waking up in a panic. I'm not lying when I say I would wake up with my heart pounding away in my chest from the stress and anxiety. Before my feet even hit the floor to start my day, my heart rate was through the roof. I seriously was worried I was going to have a heart attack.
Being still is hard, but being still is sometimes the only thing you can do.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Breaking Blocks
I come here a few times a week to write something, because I feel the need inside of me. Unfortunately, I get here, I hammer out like two sentences that usually begin as this post has, and then my fingers stop. My brain freezes and my need goes unfulfilled. It's a frustrating process and I can't seem to break free of it. I then spend a lot of time thinking "I need to WRITE and get it out." and after a few days with that thought rolling around in my head, I come here again and start the process all over again. I feel kind of like Roland Deschain, Gunslinger from Gilead. Lucky for him though, he was never aware of his cycle of hell. I am. And it pains me.
I guess I could get all philosophical and say this is the perfect metaphor to my life. Rife with starts and stops that basically get me no where and once I learn to accept these starts and stops, maybe life will move forward. But, that's new agey bullshit and I'm not even going to entertain that thought, well not again, after entertaining the thought when I wrote it down that is. Everyone's life is rife with starts and stops. We all swim in circle froms time to time and that's ok. Eventually we adjust our fins and go straight again. If Nemo the crippled fish can do it, so can I.
Maybe, I shouldn't have used the word crippled. I've been reading the Game of Thrones series and they're not very "PC" in those books and I am afraid it has rubbed off on me. If I start calling people "Ser" and "wench" and start saying my age as "five and thirty" then you know I've gone too far to be brought back. Leave me to my flagon of Arbor Gold and light a candle for me in the sept and send a bird out to all the lands saying that I have gone over. Weep not, fair child, as I am my happiest here.
There are many things I want to touch on, just random thoughts I've had and I don't even know where to start. Nothing in particular about my life because life has been, well nothing more than life. I don't have anything new or exciting going on. Actually, my life is probably the antedote for anything exciting. A dose of my life could probably bring down the most coked out party girl in a matter of seconds. She'd be all "Whee! OMG! Life is great!! I'm SO COKED OUT" and then inject my life into her body and she'd be all "Oh hey. 'Sup guys. I'm so NOT coked out right now. Awesome. Have you read the Game of Thrones?" Because that's how I talk and yes I talk about Game of Thrones a lot.
I'm borderline content, though. I say borderline because I'm afraid to say all the way, because I feel I SHOULDN'T be content with how things are. But, I've been trying to "be still" and just enjoy the moments and it's been getting easier. I lost sight of the moments for many months, when the world felt like it was going to fall down on me at any second. But, it didn't and we're still here. I've been finding it easier to let things go and to not worry so much. I've started to go to church and that has helped tremendously.
Talking about church and my faith has been kind of awkward for me. Some have voiced disdain or disbelief that I've started to attend church and assume I'm going to start baptizing people on the streets, while others have been too forward in welcoming me to the flock of "good moral Christians" and then become disappointed when I'm not as "churchy" as they feel I should be. It's hard to explain and it's a hard spot to be in. People assume because I go to church now, I will or should (depending on which of the two above camps I'm talking to) hate gays. I will or should be against abortions, I will or should vote republican, I will or should a million and a half other things. I will say though, the liberal Christians are growing in number and that is exciting to me. It's why I chose to start attending an Episcapol church, as their message is one of acceptance and love of all people and that no matter what, God loves you. I like that. I saw a member at church with a rainbow lanyard for his name tag on Sunday and I felt I was right where I should be.
So, no. I'm not thumping bibles or anything and preaching that all baby killing liberals are going to hell. I'm just trying to find my place in the world, and I can truly say that I feel SO much better since I've started going to church. I question myself a lot, wondering if I'm using this as a band-aid for something deeper inside of me. I honestly can not say. I will say though, that these people have welcomed us with open arms and are truly happy to see us there. If anything, I love the sense of community that I have found. I always said I didn't need a building to worship God. This was my excuse for not going to church. I still believe it's true. I've always felt God best out in world, talking a walk in the park, or hearing a story that brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my lips. I always felt God is everywhere and people should focus more on that than church. Yet, being at the church brings me something more than just God. It brings me community. Church gets me out of the house and put me in a situation that is different from my norm. I have something to do at least one day every week and usually more days than that depending on what activities they have.
It seems I've broken my block. Let's see if I can keep the gates open.
I guess I could get all philosophical and say this is the perfect metaphor to my life. Rife with starts and stops that basically get me no where and once I learn to accept these starts and stops, maybe life will move forward. But, that's new agey bullshit and I'm not even going to entertain that thought, well not again, after entertaining the thought when I wrote it down that is. Everyone's life is rife with starts and stops. We all swim in circle froms time to time and that's ok. Eventually we adjust our fins and go straight again. If Nemo the crippled fish can do it, so can I.
Maybe, I shouldn't have used the word crippled. I've been reading the Game of Thrones series and they're not very "PC" in those books and I am afraid it has rubbed off on me. If I start calling people "Ser" and "wench" and start saying my age as "five and thirty" then you know I've gone too far to be brought back. Leave me to my flagon of Arbor Gold and light a candle for me in the sept and send a bird out to all the lands saying that I have gone over. Weep not, fair child, as I am my happiest here.
There are many things I want to touch on, just random thoughts I've had and I don't even know where to start. Nothing in particular about my life because life has been, well nothing more than life. I don't have anything new or exciting going on. Actually, my life is probably the antedote for anything exciting. A dose of my life could probably bring down the most coked out party girl in a matter of seconds. She'd be all "Whee! OMG! Life is great!! I'm SO COKED OUT" and then inject my life into her body and she'd be all "Oh hey. 'Sup guys. I'm so NOT coked out right now. Awesome. Have you read the Game of Thrones?" Because that's how I talk and yes I talk about Game of Thrones a lot.
I'm borderline content, though. I say borderline because I'm afraid to say all the way, because I feel I SHOULDN'T be content with how things are. But, I've been trying to "be still" and just enjoy the moments and it's been getting easier. I lost sight of the moments for many months, when the world felt like it was going to fall down on me at any second. But, it didn't and we're still here. I've been finding it easier to let things go and to not worry so much. I've started to go to church and that has helped tremendously.
Talking about church and my faith has been kind of awkward for me. Some have voiced disdain or disbelief that I've started to attend church and assume I'm going to start baptizing people on the streets, while others have been too forward in welcoming me to the flock of "good moral Christians" and then become disappointed when I'm not as "churchy" as they feel I should be. It's hard to explain and it's a hard spot to be in. People assume because I go to church now, I will or should (depending on which of the two above camps I'm talking to) hate gays. I will or should be against abortions, I will or should vote republican, I will or should a million and a half other things. I will say though, the liberal Christians are growing in number and that is exciting to me. It's why I chose to start attending an Episcapol church, as their message is one of acceptance and love of all people and that no matter what, God loves you. I like that. I saw a member at church with a rainbow lanyard for his name tag on Sunday and I felt I was right where I should be.
So, no. I'm not thumping bibles or anything and preaching that all baby killing liberals are going to hell. I'm just trying to find my place in the world, and I can truly say that I feel SO much better since I've started going to church. I question myself a lot, wondering if I'm using this as a band-aid for something deeper inside of me. I honestly can not say. I will say though, that these people have welcomed us with open arms and are truly happy to see us there. If anything, I love the sense of community that I have found. I always said I didn't need a building to worship God. This was my excuse for not going to church. I still believe it's true. I've always felt God best out in world, talking a walk in the park, or hearing a story that brings a tear to my eye and a smile to my lips. I always felt God is everywhere and people should focus more on that than church. Yet, being at the church brings me something more than just God. It brings me community. Church gets me out of the house and put me in a situation that is different from my norm. I have something to do at least one day every week and usually more days than that depending on what activities they have.
It seems I've broken my block. Let's see if I can keep the gates open.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)