But Time Makes You Bolder, Children Grow Older, and I'm Getting Older, Too

Life has been good. I'm kind of amazed by what I am and am not worried about. Actually, right now I'm not worried about MUCH and that's always good. Sure, I have worries, everyone does, but right now, there aren't that many.

Work has been keeping me busy, and that's both a blessing and a curse. I enjoy it and it, and I like feeling productive again. The problem is that even when I was a stay at home mom, I was never a good housekeeper, but the laundry was always done. Now, I'm swimming in laundry, my house is a mess, I have to pay bills, and be a mom too. I know eventually I'll get my rhythm, but right now it can be daunting. Especially when I get home and all I want to do is get into my comfy clothes and veg.

Yesterday was dedicated to my children, and we had a good time. We haven't been able to do much because of money. I still don't have any extra, but my sister in law and her husband decided for the kids birthday's we would all go to Incredible Pizza. They paid for all three of us to eat, and I even got a $10 dollar play card for myself. Tony's parent's were there, and they got the kids more cards to play. I put an extra 10 on my card so that was all I spent and I swear we were there a good three hours!! It was really nice of them. They had been asking if I was going to do a birthday thing for the kids and I finally told them I couldn't afford it. I can't have people over for a party where they're going to give my children gifts and not have food for them. Sure, I could have done just cake and ice cream, but it just seemed rude to have them drive the 30 minutes here for cake and ice cream and then leave you know?

We all had such a good time, and even though me and their brother/son are divorcing, they still treat me as one of the family. I know that will likely change when Tony moves here, so I'll enjoy their company while I can.

The funny thing about yesterday is I spent the majority of the time by myself! It was amazing! Now that my kids are older, they don't need me to be there watching them like a hawk. They had their cousins with them, so Aisy went off with Kara and Jonny went off with Chris, and I was left to wander around and stalk the Guitar Hero machine every chance I got. Then near the end, we all met up and played mini bowling and then Jonny and I played three games of air hockey (He can finally reach!) and I was so proud that he didn't care if he loss, he just liked playing with me. Then he and I headed toward the racetrack and took a spin on the go carts.

Like I said yesterday, you couldn't pay me to have a baby right now. I sometimes wonder if that will change if I ever get in a serious relationship with anyone, but honestly, I don't think it will. First of all, I'm 34 and that's when your eggs are officially "old" and even though I've lost weight, I still have my myriad of health issues that only get worse with pregnancy. Jonny was 10 lbs at 38 weeks. Lord knows how big a baby I would have the third time around. My body couldn't handle it.

We're all getting used to the working. Right now the one who seems to be taking it the hardest is Louie. He gets progressively worse as the morning goes on. Trying to run out the door every chance he gets. Friday he ran out, and tried to jump in the car with me. He does't like it. Then when I get home, all he wants to do is be with me. He jumps up so high that I can catch him mid jump. He's torn a shirt doing that. As soon as I sit down, he's in my lap and in my face and I usually get upset. He's had me home all day since we brought him home. He'll get used to it.

Today I paid bills and I was like "Youch!" but then I realized.. hey! I get paid on Friday! So, you know it definitely has it's perks.

Reboot

Wow, you know the last week has really been a negative one for me, and I don't mean negative as in, bad stuff happened to me, I mean I have been really negative. I try really hard not to be, and I think sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you get into that downward black spiral.

Today though, I feel better, more positive. It's amazing how things can change in your head and your heart in just a matter of hours really. Last night I just completely vegged out and I think that really helped. I played a game on my laptop, just a silly, fun mindless game, the kind I love so much, and I didn't think about ANYTHING. NOTHING. It was like rebooting my brain or something. I guess I starved all my negative thoughts. I'll try to remeber that next time.

Now, something I've been wanting to talk about is my job. I can right now because I still love it. If I stop talking about it, it's because maybe I'm not loving it so much, and I don't want to get "dooced" if you know what I mean.

Anyway, I'm working for a credit union that serves the postal employees. My dad is a postal employee and has used them forever. The only one used to be at the main post office downtown, and over the years they opened up in surrounding areas.

This may sound premature, but I think I'm going to spend many years with this company. I never thought that with any of my other jobs. This one feels right. Like this is it. I love the people, I find the work fascinating. It's like the perfect mix of having to use my brain and focusing on customer service, which I really do love.

Friday, we got to go home from training early because our instructor was ill. I ran a few errands and decided to go and visit the branch I'll be working out of. It's inside a bigger building in a big industrial area, so I wanted to make sure I knew exactly where it was before I started there. I walked in and the branch manager who I had met once, jumped up and gave me a big hug, and was so happy to see me. She is the kind of woman you want to work with/for when you meet her. She is such a warm and wonderful woman. She kept saying she had a great feeling about me, that I'm going to do well. How can you not be excited about that you know?

Right now I'm training with a guy who worked as a teller for 2 years at a different place. So far, I've been able to hold my own and that's kind of cool.

It just goes back to everythign happens for a reason. Maybe at first, it will be hard because I won't be making that much money, but through time, maybe I'll move away from the teller line and onto something greater?

So, Yeah. I'm Not In the Best of Moods.

I've probably sat down here a few times to write a nice blog post about something, but I get a few sentences in, think "No one wants to read this shit" and then I exit out. Sometimes, I forgot that I'm not writing for the four of you that read, I need to remember that when I write a post, it's cathartic. Maybe if I had written down something in this past week, I wouldn't be the weepy mess I've been.

Seriously, God damn I've cried a ton this week. It's just so not like me. Honestly, if it hadn't been 8 or so weeks since the last time I've had sex, I'd probably be running to the store for a pee stick. Like right now? I could cry. Why? I have no fucking clue.

I mean, yeah. Ok. I started a new job this week, but you know what? I love it! I LOOOOVE IT! I LOOOOOOOOOOOOVE it. I <3 <3<3<3<3<3<3 it. I want my job to be my fucking Valentine that how much I am loving my job. Give me a few months and I'll probably be all "Oh fuck this shit" but right now, working is my total BFF that I totally want to make out with and give it a ring and everything.

Maybe it's the adjustment of it all. Kids have been acting up more than usual, I feel guilty that my mom has to help out so much, although it's kind of cool for my mom to see that life with Aislinn isn't that easy. I think sometimes my family thinks I am too hard on her, or not nice enough to her, and they're probably right mostly. Yet, they usually see the sweet Aisy, the one that is so good and calm and sweet. So, when we're all together and she gets a bit too loud and I immediately jump on it knowing it could escalate if not curbed, I kind of get the "Let her be a kid speech."

My mom got to experience the screaming, moody, door slamming, brother hating kid the other day and was completely bewildered. She was like "I don't get it, I picked her up and she was already PISSED OFF. She came home, and started screaming at Jonny non stop... FOR NOTHING. Seriously, Sandi FOR NOTHING. What he's not allowed to speak?" When I just kind of shrugged, she got even more frantic.. "No she was SCREAMING at him to shut up shut up shu up over and over again." I finaly said "That's how she is all the time mom. Everday, from th moment she gets up to the moment we go to bed. That's why I'm always aggravated with her."

Also, Valentine's day, believe it or not is bothering me! I've never even really been into Vday. But, just knowing there are good men out there wanting to make their women happy, when my husband cheated on me. Not only did the asshat cheat on me, he now has a girlfriend and is happy in love. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT HAPPEN?

So, that's my deal. It sucks. I miss my sisters, I miss my friends in Virginia. I feel kind of jerked around by some people and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of the snow.

So, yeah.

104 Days Ago

So, I guess 104 days ago, I made a note in my Iphone and I thought I would share it. I'm sure I meant to write it in here and forgot.

So sleepy. Last night was so fun. A naked man running around the yard, music, never ever have I ever, dancing, phone calls from St. Louis telling me about their late night run to Jack In The Box run and making me and Mel drool, being told thanks for "popping the seal" with a sloppy drunken kiss, ribs and tater salad at 4 am and trying to sleep on a recliner.

All this I did sober believe it or not. So much craziness I can't even fit it all on here. Thanks Mel and Wayne.

Now that I think about it, I think I wanted this to be a status update, and maybe it was. Who knows. I make a billion of those a day.

I miss my life in Virginia and all the friends I have there. Especially when the kids couldn't go to school, not because of snow but because of the temperature, and it was 70 there. The above night was a fun night and I'm glad I got to experience it before I left.

Already so much has changed for me in the seven weeks I've been here. It started off kind of sad because of the holidays, but it got better through the weeks and I'm really starting to feel happy. I feel like slowly coming together. It won't be easy, but I don't want it to be. I'm ready for the first time in my life to live ON MY OWN, but that doesn't mean I'm ALONE. Not at all.

Degrees of Separation

I hate it when I get a good idea about something to write about and then poof it's gone. All I remember is that I was outside, taking the Terrier Twins on their millionth potty break, and I was like "OMG that would like TOTES MCGOTES make a good subject to elaborate on, and now I have done forgotted it. Yes, I said forgotted.

So, I'll just talk about something random.

Today, my dad calls me and says he read an article about the state of the job market now and he got to thinking, that since this is the most money I'll probably have EVER. (EVER! People!) that I should think about getting educated fast and get a job after that. Totally makes sense, Dad. That may be the way to go.

Wait, let me stop there to explain something really quick. He was supposed to go up to the bank he has been going to for years to "give them a good word" on me when I told him I was applying there for positions they ACTUALLY have available. I guess he's been banking there so long, he's buddies with the manager etc.

So, I'm starting to panic, because although the whole educated before working thing is a primo idea, I'm kinda wanting this job. Because there is no way I can get my education before I officially divorce. When I officially divorce I'll get less money.

So, he's starting to brainstorm, spit ideas off the top of his head. He told me I needed to find something that I can get educated in in three months. Ummm impossible. But, you don't say that to my dad. You just say "Well, I'll look into what I can do." He starts getting really excited he's like "You need to be a truck driver! Yeah a truck driver, or, or a plumber's assistant!" Now, honestly I am not at all offended. This is my dad and I know he is saying these things to help me. But, a trucker? A plumber's assistant? I explained that if I was a trucker, I'd have to go out of town, a a plumber's assistant? Well, I might as well work a minimum wage crap job now (No pun intended) as I have no desire to work as a plumber. He said a few things, he kept saying "You need to work in a man's field. Think about something a man would do." He never clarified that statement, so the only logical conclusion I could come to was that being a woman, I could push the whole HEY I'm a woman thing you HAVE to hire me. It makes sense I guess?

After he said all this, he said he'd still go up and talk to the lady at the bank. He gave me a glowing review. He said "Well, you know my other two daughters, they have degrees. Sandi doesn't, she's been a Navy wife for 12 years, but she's super smart."

*Facepalm*

Again, I get it, he's a guy and he's nailing it down for me. I am NOT looking a gift horse in a mouth, trust me. The lady took what my dad said and ate it up with a spoon. Thanked him profusely, told him she appreciated it. That he was good people, and so I must be too. Honestly, if I get this job, it will mainly be because of my dad. You could tell that she really respected my dad and his opinion. That means a lot.

It's just SO my dad. He's just so blunt, and that's probably where I get it, but I'm also a female, so I think that in itself kind of softens the bluntness. I am NOT knocking my dad he really hepled me out. When I met that woman today, she immediately recognized me. And you want to know why she recognized me? Well, duh I'm the one without the degree.

If I Had A Label, It Would Be "Chunk Light Tuna In Oil"

Labels are funny, and even though I'm opposed to them in general, I label people all the time. It's stupid really, because people are too complex. What bothers me the MOST though, is when people label themselves, and therefore live by this label. They'll say things like "Oh in my group of friends I'm the bitch/cook/jokester/nose picking dog rapist." then they spend all their time and energy living up to the self proclaimed role. It's kind of like giving yourself a nickname, you only end up being the douchebag.

See? There I go labeling someone again.

I guess it's impossible not to. I guess I have more issues with snap judgements (and those douchebags who label themselves and then live by them. Really, really dislike those kind of people. But, ahem. I digress.) I was thinking in the shower today, and if you were to go by my physical image, you would think, I don't know I was like some hipster wanna be derby girl with my tattoos and my stripey hair, and my Art Nouveua styled t-shirt with a very proper zombie lady eating brains on her fancy china and a fork. I'm really not though. If I had to "label" myself it would be, well a dork. Uncomfortable in her own skin, who loves to read more than she likes to do anything else in the world who has a penchant for video games and texting. When I'm around my good friends, I'm usually loud and I kind of hate that about myself. When I'm around people I don't well or at all. I'm painfully quiet as in... "Wow, is she autistic or drunk?" I'll blurt out random sentences that make people look at me funny, smile and nod, and then look away quickly. "I LIKE YOUR BEARD! BAH!"

With that dorky side, also comes a very sexual side. Where I have no issues with casual sex (Although not a practicing participant at the moment) and general hooking up. Which gives the impression of, well, ok a WHORE, but it's not THAT easy either. The people I am interested in sexually, have to turn me on intellectually. That is actually really hard to find. Then you get into, ok I'm fine with casual sex (always safe people, always safe) but not casual making out and like hand hold and snuggling and shit. If we're going to have sex, and we both know that's what it's about... please do not hold my hand, or pretend there is something more there because you and I both know, there isn't. I'm not your typical girl that needs to be wooed just to get in my pants.

I guess I've been thinking about labels a lot because of trying to find a job. On paper I'm a 34 uneducated stay at home mom who is trying to make it out in the world again. I'm so much MORE than that though. Take for instance, I would love to work at Best Buy. Actually, I want to SUPER bad. But on paper, I don't seem like the kind of person that would be good at it. Because I'm OLD. Yet, you would probably have more luck asking ME, a customer, a question and getting a good answer, than one of those young kids, who are all "Ummmm I'm not sure? Like, let me go ask my boss?" (I don't think Jordan reads this, but if you happen to, I am NOT talking about you. )

So, yeah. I don't know what the point of this whole post is, other than I just wanted to write it. So, there. Because I'm a bad ass that way. I have the tattoos to prove it.

My Buds, My Peeps, My Homies

One of the suckiest things about my life is that a lot of my really good friends are all far away. It's weird because a lot of my friends, I've met online and then have met in person eventually. One is one of my best friends in the whole world. I used to live five hours from her, now I live like a billion hours from her and it sucks. Yet, I know I can always count on her to understand me when I text her some totally off the wall, random, usually sexually related bullshit, she'll respond back with equally asinine something that will have me cracking up and in tears. Today she got to read my obsessive instant messages about my life, and even though she has got like a 101 (and that's not a lie) things going on in her life, when I said "Oh I'm going there bitch, and you will read it." She just said "go". We all need friends like that, even when they're crampy and halfway passing out on the couch. They'll let you "go" when you need to get it out.

I'm not so great with the friend thing, but that's what I like about my friends. They get that. I'm kind of stand offish. I don't really need the constant companionship of others. Most my friends I can go weeks without talking to, and usually they have to contact me. They'll call, I'll call back whenever. It's a really shit way to be, but I don;t know how to be anything else.

I love my friends though. All of them. I don't make friends easily, but when I do, I keep them for life for the most part. I have found that clingy people I will eventually end up not speaking to anymore. I have found that organized friendships (Groups and stuff like that) I can't get behind.

I told someone today I was shy. This is true. If I know you, and I've known you for awhile, I'm an open book. Loud, obnoxious, bossy. But when there are new people, I'm quite reserved. I don't know what to say, I get nervous. It's actually quite adorable. Ok, that's not true.

I would love to one day move all my friends to one city. All of them. Make them my little pets. I will feed them alphalpha sprouts and scratch their little ears. Because that's not at all weird.