Saying No To Drugs, Even If Accidently.

The self-imposed writing assigments have taken up a lot of my time and they're really rather lame. I haven't really had the time to write anything other than that.

First of all, I've stopped taking my anti-depressant. It's very unsafe to stop taking Cymbalta without the guidance of your Dr. but I did it quite by accident. I never decided that I was going to stop, because as you all know, I am very PRO anti-depressants if one needs them. Basically, it started because I was running low and I just couldn't make time to go to a Dr and get a new RX. Then I realized that I had one more refill. So, I refilled them, but at this point I was down to like every three days, I was only taking them to basically stop the brain jolts and my head swimming because overall I felt fine. As the times stretched I realized that my excessive sweating was from the Cymbalta (Always thought it was so, just wasn't sure if it wasn't just because I was fat). Over the course of a few weeks I was going like over a week without taking it. Then I would take it and physically feel like shit. Rapid heart rate, elevated blood pressure, excessive sweating and upset tummy.

I took it as a sign and I'm going to try it out without the Cymbalta for awhile. I'm super aware of my mood at all times. No excessive anger, a little bit more pissy in general, a few more negative than usual thoughts, but no anxiety or anything. Summer is coming, so I know this will be a trial. I think though that if I can get through the summer and not sweat so much or feel overheated, I may be ok. Today, I walked about four miles and I sweated of course as anyone would, but it wasn't a constant stream of sweat to the point where I was embarrassed. It truly was embarrassing. Strangers would come to me and ask me if I was alright. On a date once, the guy was like "Wow, you're really sweating, are you ok?" Which of course made me self concious and start to sweat even more!

I have been able to hand my Ex's douchbaggery just fine without the drugs, so I'm taking that too as a good sign. He's yet to actual have the kids for his full FOUR DAYS A MONTH since he's been back. No calls during the week to see how they are, even when it's my weekend (And if he starts now, I'll know it's because he read this) and all his big talk about how he was going to spend as much time as he could with them when he moves back, has been nothing more than what I assumed it was, him trying to convince himself that this would be true. I don't understand how he can't see his kids for FOUR DAYS A MONTH. I always capitalize that because I want to stress that amount.

FOUR DAYS A MONTH.

As in, there are 30 days in a month, and out of those THIRTY days, he gets the FOUR. And he's yet to have them a full four days a month.

I haven't keyed his car or punched him in the nose, or screamed bloody murder at him either. I've texted quite sternly and I peeled out of the driveway yesterday. That has been the extent of my anger toward him.

Everyone keeps asking me why I don't just FORCE him to take them. Why I pick them up early when he needs to get out of his obligation. I say simply this.. if he doesn't want them, he'll have to answer to them later. He'll have to answer their questions of why when they get older. He seems to think that by making me take them he is somehow punishing me, when in reality he's punishing himself. My children are not a punishment. I will gladly take them always and forever.

Two Movies You Absolutely Love!

Just TWO? Man!

1. Grandma's Boy. It's totally fucked up and great. It has old people, sex with old people, drugs, video games, masturbating to a Lara Croft doll, a race car bed, a ninja monkey, more drugs, old people on drugs (legal and non) a guy who thinks he's a robot, new age hippies, old people PLAYING video games. Jesus. It's a great fucking movie. It's hilarious every time I watch it, and I don't know how many times a week I say "I don't know what you are, but I'm going fucking eat you, too" when getting something out of the fridge. Or "don't judge me, monkey." If you haven't seen it, watch it, but wait until the kids are in bed.
Here's the trailer... man I about died laughing just from the trailer!


2. Joe Dirt. I haven't seen this in years, but damn I love this movie. David Spade is so under rated as an actor. Some say he plays the same guy, and ok I get that, but not in this movie. He's so UN- David Spade. David Spade is snarky and sarcastic with impeccable comedic timing when delivering the snark, but in Joe Dirt is absolutely heartbreakingly positive and upbeat with his horrible mullet wig and his 80's rock band T-shirt and just so funny when he's trying to be all tough guy with his scrawny arms. This movie gets quoted a lot around here too.

Three Favorite Cartoon Characters

This is actually a pet peeve of mine. I love cartoons, but I don't like characters IN them like some people. When I see an adult wearing a Tinkerbell shirt or sporting a Tweety bird keychain, it quite simply, angers me. Sure, maybe it's a small way of thinking and honestly, I don't give a shit. I think adults who identify with cartoon characters so much that they collect stuff with them on them, wear clothing, get TATTOOS of them, there's something not quite right about them. Like their dad didn't hug them enough or something.


I don't have a favorite cartoon character. I'm indifferent to them and honestly, I've sat here for ten minutes and I can't think of a single one.

Four Songs That Describe My Life Now

Man, this one is going to be TOUGH, but I'll try my best....

Oh and obviously, the lyrics speak for themselves.


Fun House
sung by Pink

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall

Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory

I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/p/pink-lyrics/funhouse-lyrics.html ]
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this fucker down

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(9, 8)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(7, 6)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(5, 4, 3)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(2, 1)

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down


Love is a Losing Game
sung by Amy Winehouse

For you I was a flame
Love is a losing game
Five story fire as you came
Love is a losing game

One I wish I never played
Oh what a mess we made
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game

Played out by the band
Love is a losing hand
More than I could stand
Love is a losing hand

Self professed... profound
Till the chips were down
...know you're a gambling man
Love is a losing hand

Though I'd bet on blind
Love is a faith resign
Memories mar my mind
Love is a faith resign

Over futile odds
And laughed at by the gods
And now the final frame
Love is a losing game



Stronger
Sung by Britney Spears

Ooh hey, yeah

Hush, just stop
There’s nothing you can do or say, baby
I’ve had enough
I’m not your property as from today, baby
You might think that I won't make it on my own
But now I’m…

[Chorus:]
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…

[CHORUS:]
Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

Come on, now
Oh, yeah

Here I go, on my own
I don’t need nobody, better off alone
Here I go, on my own now
I don’t need nobody, not anybody
Here I go, alright, here I go

[Repeat CHORUS]

Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothing but my way
My lonliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger



And last and certainly not least, my all time favorite Janet Jackson song. Now that I'm single, it has a whole new meaning to me!

Call My Lover
Sung by Janet Jackson

Back on the road again
Feeling kinda lonely
And looking for the right guy
To be mine

Friends say I'm crazy cause
Easily I fall in love
You gotta do it different J
This time

Maybe we'll meet at a bar
He'll drive a funky car
Maybe we'll meet at a club
And fall so deeply in love
He'll tell me I'm the one
And we'll have so much fun
I'll be the girl of his dreams maybe

Alright maybe gonna find him today
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on
Alright baby come in
Pass my way
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on

I E YI

I spoil them when I'm in love
Given them what they dream of
Sometimes it's not a good thing
But I'm blind

I love hard with everything
Giving my all
More than they
I'll take my friends' advice this time
I'll do it differently

Maybe we'll meet at a bar
He'll drive a funky car
Maybe we'll meet at a club
And fall so deeply in love
He'll tell me I'm the one
And we'll have so much fun
I'll be the girl of his dreams maybe

Alright maybe gonna find him today
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on
Alright baby come in
Pass my way
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on

I E YI

My my
Looking for a guy guy
I don't want him too shy
But he's gotta have the qualities
That I like in a man
Strong, smart, affectionate
He's gotta be all for me
And I'll be too
You see happily

Maybe we'll meet at a bar
He'll drive a funky car
Maybe we'll meet at a club
And fall so deeply in love
He'll tell me I'm the one
And we'll have so much fun
I'll be the girl of his dreams maybe

Alright maybe gonna find him today
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on
Alright baby come in
Pass my way
I gotta get someone to call my lover
Yeah baby come on

I E YI...

Five Things I Could Eat Everyday

I don't know if I can come up with five!! To eat something everyday is such a commitment! Let's see what I can come up with.

First of all something I do eat almost everyday in some way, shape or form is peanut butter. Uusally straight out of the jar. I actually carry a small jar of peanut butter and a spoon in my work bag for when I get hungry. It's the perfect lazy person food. There is enough protein and sugar for energy and enough fat to keep you feeling satisfied and you don't have to chew. It's about as close to having mama bird regurgitate in your mouth as you're going to get. During the first few weeks after I found out about the online affair, I lived almost purely on peanut butter. It was the only thing I could get in my mouth and wash down with water and not gag.

Dove Chocolate would be number two. It's not super fancy chocolate, but I love the creaminess of it. I rarely buy any for myself, but when I do, it gets hoarded away from little kid hands.

Number three... hmmm. I guess a nice, juicy hamburger! There is nothing better!

Number four... green beans cooked with bacon and vinegar. Oh my God, I love these!

Number five.. ice cream.

And there you go. Really phoned that one in didn't I?

Six of My Favorite Books

Ok, now THIS is what I'm talking about! I love to read more than I like anything else in the world. I have been waiting for this one! But, I'm a day late because I had issues yesterday and that's for another blog post. It involves actual divorce shit.


For me, a favorite book is one I can read over and over again. Sure, I waited at Barnes and Noble until the midnight release party for the next Harry Potter book, but I've never re-read any of them. These books are ones I can pick up and read when I have nothing else new to read. These books are the books I'll read INSTEAD of the new books I have to read. These books are the tried and true and save for the Percy Jackson series, have all been read in excess of ten times or more. Percy Jackson is hard because it's a series and if I read one I have to read them all, and they're fairly new to me, so the series has been read twice.



The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck A poor farmer marries a slave from the House of Hwang, the richest family in town. She's ugly and quiet, but a hard worker. Together they build up the farm until they eventually move into the "big house" themselves. This chronicles their journey from poor to rich and the hardships they had to endure to get there, famine, war, begging. It shows the often cyclical nature of money and how it can blind even the most modest farmer once he has it. It shows what a poor family can endure and what they will do to stay alive. One of the most haunting parts of the book is when there is famine, and they're all starving, and their stores raided by their neighbors leaving them completely without food, O-Lan the wife gives birth. Her husband hears the baby cry, and then stop abruptly. He goes in and his wife says that there is no worries, it was just a slave child (That's what they called girls, because they were raised by their family, only to be given away to their husbands family to serve them) and when he walks in he finds the baby with a bruise around it's neck. The mother to save the baby from starving as she wouldn't be able to give milk since she was starving, chose instead to kill her.

Memoirs of a Geisha By Arthur Golden This book is just fascinating to me. I've read it so many times. It's like reading a painting, the author does such a great job describing in such detail every little aspect of geisha life (A white American man no less!) and the pain and suffering and joys and triumphs a geisha can experience. The love/hate relationship so many of them had with the lifestyle. Such an honor to be chosen and accepted, but they sacrifice so much for the honor. Being a geisha often affords a woman a certain freedom that other women don't have, but yet your life is run by the Mother of the okiya you live in and the men who buy your time and attentions.

The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger This is about as romantic as I get. The concept is really cool. A man can suddenly disappear and travel through time yet he has NO control over it. Usually only back in time, rarely forward. He warns himself of things that are going to happen. When he "goes" he leaves everything behind. He arrives wherever he ends up naked. He comes from the future and meets his wife as a little girl. But when he meets his wife as an adult, he hasn't met her as a little girl yet, but she has known him since she was like six, an older version of him. He disappears on his wedding day and an older version of himself marries his wife. He has to learn to survive by picking locks and stealing clothes when he's ends up somewhere. He and his wife try to have children, but the babies just *poof* disappear out of her womb, as they have the same ability. It's an amazing book and hard to describe.


The Color Purple by Alice Walker By God, if you think the movie is harrowing, the book is more. If you think the movie is upflifting, the book is more. The movie can't even begin to touch the story that Alice Walker was trying to tell in this book, and the movie is one of my all time favorite movies! Yet, again... the BOOK IS MORE! I think everyone knows the story of Celie, Nettie, Albert, Shug and all the rest from the movie, but honestly, there is so much that Steven Speilberg couldn't squeeze in there. But, he did an amazing job.


The Percy Jackson Series by Rick Roirdan Yes, I am going to say it. I am going to proclaim this out loud!! PERCY JACKSON IS BETTER THAN HARRY POTTER! There, I said it! I just like the concept more, probably because I have always loved mythology and to apply greek mythology to modern times, well that's just wicked fucking cool. Basic concept here goes.... The gods of Olympus are still around, and they move with the times. So, Mt. Olympus isn't actually in Greece anymore, it's in America. On top of the Empire State Building to be exact. The gods still get busy with humans. The humans get preggers. They pop out demigods or "heroes". The heroes have no idea they're heroes. They all have ADHD and unable to sit still because they're always battle ready. They all have dyslexia because they're hard wired to read ancient greek (Like the saying "its all greek to me?"). Love this series and they've recently added a Roman Mythology element that I am TOTALLY digging. Can't wait for the next book!


Feast of All Saints By Anne Rice... One of her few books that doesn't involve anything supernatural. It's a great book about the population of gens de couleur libres (Free people of color) in New Orleans before the Civil War. They were this kind of "middle" race of people between the slaves and the whites. They were the offspring of the slave owners and their slave mistresses. It was common for these offspring to be freed and they lived rather rich lives for many generations, marrying other gens de couleur libres, or the woman would often become mistresses to rich plantation owners. The story centers around Marcel and Marie whose mother was brought to this country from Haiti after the slave revolt. She becomes a free mistress to a rich plantation owner who dotes on her and their children. Marcel and Marie live a fairly carefree and rich life. Marie can easily pass for white, Marcel has blonde hair and blue eyes, but his hair is kinky and he's darker. The world turns upside down as the children grow up and they find that they are not as accepted as they assumed they were by the white people, their father included.

So there. A short post turned into a typical long winded one. Awesome. And now I'm going to spend a fortune on getting Kindle copies of these books anywhere since I've moved.

Happy Reading! If any of these books piques your interest and you decide to read them, please let me know. I'd loved to discuss them with you.

Seven People Who Inspire Me

I've avoided this one all day because I can't seem to think of seven people. I can barely think of three and this in itself has bothered me tremendously. I don't know if I'm just an uninspirable (is that a word?) person or if I just lack something inside of me like a soul or something. To me a person's story can be interesting, and I admire when someone can do something great in the face of adversity but I find none of it inspiring. I think I'm too cynical or something. Other people see single mom gets off crack and starts a wonderful non for profit and all I see is some chick who shouldn't have gotten knocked up and hooked on drugs in the first place. It's horrible I know!

Anyway.. I'll try.... here I go.

My mom... she has a good life that she enjoys. She left her country not able to speak any english with a baby and a husband that was way into softball. She had to adjust and try to be the best mom and wife she could be with a language barrier. I can't imagine how she must have felt not really being able to help her kids with their homework you know? The best part though is it never bothered us or occurred to us that this was odd. She's a great mom, even if we don't see eye to eye. She accepts my differences that I have from the rest of the family.

My friend Ren. Not to sound all ass kissy, but seriously. Kind of like my mom, but she came to America for adventure. Just was all "This is how much I have just cut me a train ticket as far as I can go" and she went from Canada.. to Texas which always cracks me up. Like.. you don't get much more American than TEXAS!! She had trials and tribulations that is not my place to tell. She had two great kids and a crappy husband. Finally, she left, went back home and recently was invited to Oxford to read.. um.. something. I'm a shitty friend, I forget what. But, like I said earlier about how I view things.. that's what she gets for going to TEXAS. (Just kidding, Ren)


Stephen King because he took his fucked up imagination and made millions from it.

Louie because he's a dog and he takes the utmost pleasure in the simplest things like getting a tummy rub. You could be gone five minutes and a dog will act like you were gone for five years they way they react. We all should be so happy to be alive.

My kids because they're kind of like the dogs where the simplest things make them happy. Give a kid a bottle of bubbles, man they're set for like the whole day. I wish life was that easy for me sometimes.

Oh! This one just popped in my head. Will Wright, the creator of Sims. He was told no one would EVER want to play a game where you made people pee and eat. So, he worked on the game in his free time and then was all BOOYAH! That JUST happened. Suck it.

Martin Luther King, Jr. becuase you're an asshole if you don't say him.